By Bob Levey
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, May 1, 2003; Page C10 Just when you think you've solved all the problems of the modern
workplace, the phone rings. On the other end is a "director of human
resources somewhere out there in Tysons-land who loves your column." She says she has a rant to lay on you. You place your head in the full
upright and locked position and start taking notes. "I am totally sick of job seekers whose résumés don't tell you
anything", my caller declares. "It begins with that statement of purpose across the top of the résumé
that so many people think they have to use these days. It's always junk.
Pure uselessness." "It says something like, 'Objective: To gain a position where I can
utilize my training and skills to maximum advantage.' I'm like, duh! I
really thought you wanted to avoid using all your training and skills
and sweep the floors instead." It doesn't stop there. Milady of Tysons-land says that many résumés that
cross her desk are "written to try to bluff me, not to educate me." Example: a woman who recently sought a position as a computer trainer. "She listed the software she was familiar with and she listed the
positions she once held", my caller said. "But nowhere on the résumé was
there a description -- in English -- of what she actually did with
computers between 9 and 5 every day." For example, the applicant said she was "operationally conversant" with
Microsoft Word, Photoshop and several other software programs. "But she
didn't say whether she had maintained these systems, troubleshot these
systems or helped to modify these systems", my caller said. "It was as if she thought that she'd get a job if she just dropped the
names of these systems, and I'd keel over dead at my desk with
admiration." Then there's the dicey issue of salary. On résumés, my caller says she often sees the expression: "Salary
history provided on request." She thinks this wastes the time of both
parties. "I recognize that salary is going to be the subject of negotiations",
she told me. "I recognize that most people want to make more money at
their next job than they made at their last job." "But if you don't provide your salary history, you don't give me a
basis, a place to begin." I said I'd be reluctant to provide a salary history for fear that I'd be
placing a lid on myself. The HR professional said that isn't the way it
really works in the marketplace. "If I don't see a salary history on a résumé" , she said, "I assume it's
for one of two reasons: that the person has never made all that much and
is looking to step up, big-time. Or that the person used to make a very
nice salary and got downsized out of that job." "That second person is desperate for a paycheck, especially in this
economy, and he doesn't want to chase away any glimmer of a chance. He's
afraid that he'll look too expensive if he tells me the truth. So he
decides to play it cozy." Bad idea, says Mme. Tysons-land. "All this does is to raise questions in my mind", she said. "I'm very
partial to people who level with me about themselves, from the very
beginning. That includes leveling with me about salary." "And about personal circumstances, too. If you've just come to town
because you're a trailing spouse, that's not information I'll use
against you. The job is worth what the job is worth. We get what we pay
for. We know that." Her final complaint about résumés: stunts. "I know those how-to-get-a-job books tell you to stand out from the
crowd", she said. "But you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that
people try to pull." For example, a CD, clipped to a résumé. "If I was so inclined, I could
hear the applicant singing, 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow,' " my caller
said, with a chuckle. For another example, a photo gallery. "Here was the job applicant as a
baby -- no kidding, as a baby. Then as a cheerleader in high school,
with the pompoms and everything. Then at graduation from college. Then
on a dock somewhere -- it looks like Europe, maybe. Then at the beach." "I want a professional who's going to do an honest day's work , not a
person who thinks every second of her life has been drop-dead
fascinating." For a third example, a résumé written in -- and printed in -- the style
of a personal letter to one's mother. "It began with 'Dear Mother,' and went on to describe how excited this
person was about the job for which she was applying. Just a little too
cute", my caller said. For a final example, a hand-illustrated résumé. "This one person evidently thought that just-plain type on a page wasn't
going to get the job done", my human resources woman said. "So she
hand-scrawled a sketch opposite every section heading." "You know, next to 'Previous Experience,' she did a stick-figure of a
guy watching a clock. Next to 'Education,' she drew a girl with pigtails
reading a book." "You know what this says to me? That this person is the kind whose mind
would wander in the workplace. If you gave her something to do head-on,
she'd be unable to do it. So by setting herself apart from the pack with
a 'different' résumé, she actually shot herself in the foot." Was there a final word of advice from the canyons of Tysons? "Just this", said the woman. ";I think of a résumé as a letter of
introduction. I never hire anyone on the basis of a résumé; I never
have, and I never will. But I also never hire anyone who tries to make a
résumé more than it can logically be." "Let your résumé get you in the door and get you to the top of the pile.
Don't treat it as a chance to go off half-cocked into outer space." "It won't work. It never has, and it never will."
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